Marriage is quite probably the most important decision two people will make in life. It will not only effect the spouses, but the offspring as well. But as popular subject as it is, it doesn't appear as you will be dealing with these issues anytime soon because you can't even seem to get a decent date. You may desire that special bond with the opposite sex, but you're no closer to marriage than when you were in high school. You're single and asking yourself "what am I doing wrong?"
Quite a few of this site's readers, especially women, fall within the above category of "Single and Hating it". They are looking and hoping for that special Christian someone. So I thought it might be helpful to do a column on the topic, post a little advice, and get some tips from our readers out there (both married and unmarried).
The advice floating around the Internet seems endless. One source, on the subject of meeting, and holding on to, a man, says:
"...make him feel the center of attraction, because every human being likes to get attention. Be a good listener and listen whatever he has to say with full concentration. Show respect in his ideologies and opinions. Try to praise him for his actions and laugh with him. But at the same time, give your viewpoint when necessary"
Another source insists:
If you learn how a man’s “attraction mechanism” really works on a physical and emotional level, then you’ll be able to create the strong feelings of attraction inside a man at any time."
Still another advises:
"If you want to know where to find the right kind of man (or woman) to marry be like a fisherman. When he wants to catch fish, he goes where the fish are, the river, lake, or sea. If you want to find a Christian mate, you should go to church, and also attend church functions i.e, youth groups, conventions, or socials."
I can't offer much advice on where or how to meet that special someone. But through life's experience, and as a married woman, I can offer careful advice which may help you to conclude whether or not you are truly ready for marriage. So below is my informal, off-the-top-of-my-head, rundown of marriage preparation-101 (smile):
#1 First and foremost there must be prayer for guidance.
If you want God to lead you to the one he designed especially for you, then you have
got to first acknowledge him and he will direct your path . And then the biggie..you've go to be willing to LISTEN. And whenever your paths do meet, be sure to be open to the possibilities.
#2 ask yourself if you're truly emotionally and spiritually ready for marriage.
To be in a successful marriage you'll BOTH have to be "givers" You must be able to give freely to each other. There is no room for selfishness in marriage. The two of you will be "one flesh" and must cooperate and work closely together. That means nurturing one another's gifts as well as giving each other a little room for error and growth. After all, no body's perfect and there are just NO perfect marriages. Sorry.
#3 Have you dealt with past hurts and traumas such as infidelity, abuse, jealousy, or low self esteem?
If the answer is no, then STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIPS. Get yourself into a qualified and credentialed Christian counseling program and begin the healing process. Nothing tears down a promising relationship quicker than baggage from the past!
#4 Ask yourself if you are truly ready to give up the single life.
If you are unsure you want to be monogamous or in this for the long haul, then don't fool yourself. STAY SINGLE! You owe it to your potential spouse (and to yourself) to be honest, and not be pressured into marriage, especially when you KNOW you're unstable in this area. Infidelity (Adultery) often falls within the top 2 reasons most marriages fail.
#5 Can you respect each other's standards.
If he or she attempts to pressure you into uncomfortable surroundings, undesired lifestyles, premarital sex, illegal activity, drugs,etc., then what that says is there wasn't any respect BEFORE the marriage and darn well won't be any AFTER the marriage!
#6 Ask yourself if you can allow each other to maintain your own personality
Sometimes the very thing that attracts people to each other, is the very thing a spouse will try and change. If your significant other has friends you don't like, or frequents certain places you disagree with, then you've got three good options:
a) don't date the person in the first place.
b) address and solve the issue before marriage
c) go your separate ways
Marriage is never meant to change or trap a person. It is to enhance who the both of you
already are.
#7 Ask yourself 'why' you want to marry.
If its for some fool reason like, "all my friends are getting married" then marriage is NOT for you. There are many singles out there who love their lifestyle because of the "peace of mind" they possess. Having p-e-a-c-e of mind if far more valuable than just having p-i-e-c-e of a man! If you marry based on this, you can look to be divorced in the near future. Because a person feels "left out" is never a good reason to marry and it's obvious that particular individual doesn't understand the divine purpose for marriage.
If you responded with a reason like, "I want a true partner in life whom I can bless, and whom can be a blessing to me as well, then you just may be ready for marriage. The man's God-given responsibility is to love his wife as Christ loved the church; and to also provide financial and emotional security for her.
The women's role in marriage is to assist her husband whenever necessary to ensure their marriage is complete. She also should be prepared to be probably be the primary teacher, nurturer, and care giver to their children. Daddy is obligated to be the "priest" of the home, be lovingly available, and be able to emotionally and spiritually connect with his wife and kids, and enforce whatever rules the children are given. Marriage is a partnership and it's purpose is to minister to other married couples as well as to singles.
The marriage also should serve as a ministry to other hopefuls and other married couples. Ulitmately, both spouses should assist eachother in staying on the path of righteousness, espcially during troubled times.
So there you have it! Commenting is now open to whomever wishes to help solve the problem of "Single and Hating it: what am I doing wrong?"
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