All the good men are taken...So I'll take yours! by Yolanda Ro
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A close acquaintance of mine, we'll call her 'Barbara', was by her own definition, "in a committed relationship". They were closing in on their 2 year anniversary as a couple. They appeared to genuinely be in love. He wined and dined her, called her several times throughout the week, bought her gifts, introduced her to his friends, pledged his undying love to her, presented her with a ring and he even proposed marriage to her. It sounds like a romance made in heaven right? Wrong! Barbara, who is typically a very quiet and mild-mannered person, was single. But Rick happened to be a married man!
We use to just call it plain ole adultery or infidelity. Now days it's called "mate poaching". Regardless of the name, the topic usually causes quite a bit of tension between single and married women. It is why some married women live by the old adage, "never leave your husband alone with your single girlfriend". And at the same time, it causes resentment and offense in some single women who feel they have been unfairly stigmatized. So what do the studies have to say about mate poaching?
The most recent study was conducted a few months ago at Oklahoma State University, by Melissa Burkley and her colleague Jessica Parker. The study [on sexual attraction] involved 184 heterosexual university student participants. Unknown to the participants, everyone was offered a fictitious candidate-partner, who had been tailored to match their specific interests. The most striking result was in the responses of single women. When they were offered a single man, only 59 percent were interested in pursuing a relationship. But when he was attached, a whopping 90 percent said they were 'up for the chase'.
Understandably, those who disdain the act of adultery or mate poaching (whichever you choose to call it) are at a loss for why some single women would choose to pursue married men. The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggest the overall reason may be because "a man who is attached has already shown his ability to commit and, in a sense, has been pre-screened by another woman." The study goes on to suggest that the conduct of mate poaching stems from a failure of values, poor boundaries, low level of compassion, and being self-centered.
From the single woman's perspective, this study is a gross over-generalization and places them in a very negative light. Some believe they are being unjustly lumped into this group and say just because some single women go after married men doesn't mean they all will. They also believe the study fails to mention the fact that a great portion married men actively pursue single women as well.
From the married woman's perspective, the numbers don't lie! Actions speak louder than words.
If for some reason you find yourself considering pursuing a married or attached person consider the following guidlines, based on suggestions, by PhD.D Offira Gerstein, with a few thrown in by your's truly, Yolanda Ro:
• Even if he claims his marriage (relationship) is an unhappy situation, it does not give you the moral or ethical right to pursue him.
• You are not helping the “unhappy” partner by listening, being supportive and appreciative, unless your full efforts are sincerely in support of his marriage.
• Open sex talk with a married person is a form of infidelity and can lead to a sexual encounter.
• If you [yourself] are married or in what is suppose to be a committed relationship, your connection to other single or coupled people must be respectful and straight forward.
• The thrill of being sought after is short-lived and actually dangerous if both of you are not single.
• Mate poaching is immoral and hurts all the people involved including you.
• Respect yourself, your boundaries, integrity, values, commitments and the institution of marriage. Living up to the high standards best serves you and everyone else in the long run.
• If he (or she) is unfaithful to his spouse, fiance', or significant other, he probably won't be faithful to you either.
• If you are unhappy in a current relationship, leave only after you have exhausted all avenues of counseling or feel the relationship is a threat to your life and health, not because someone else is waiting on the sidelines.
• Most of all, keep in mind what the word of God (proverbs chapter 5:18) says about the married man: He is to rejoice with his 'own wife' and let 'her' breasts be the ones to satisfy him. He is to always be captured and enraptured by 'her' love only.
So, whatever happened with Barbara? You guessed it, after nearly 2 years she discovered she was not the only other woman Rick was seeing. Not only did he never marry her, but he never divorced his wife. It was a humiliating and emotionally painful mistake made by an otherwise nice person; one that she has never forgotten nor repeated!
